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Subway Coronavirus Precautions, Dinosaur DNA & Twitter’s “Fleets” Feature | The Daily Show

Subway Coronavirus Precautions, Dinosaur DNA & Twitter’s “Fleets” Feature | The Daily Show

The coronavirus. The disease is now
officially in 85 countries, and it has
over 95,000 confirmed cases. And it’s the reason
even white people have switched to the fist bump. “And explode.” Now, here in New York,
because the city is so crowded, the risk of coronavirus
is especially dangerous. Because, you see,
if corona can make it here, it can make it anywhere. (laughter) And that’s why city officials
are taking action. NEWSWOMAN: The MTA stepping up
its cleaning efforts to prevent the spread of the
coronavirus on public transit. Workers are disinfecting
427 subway stations, wiping down the turnstiles, handrails and ticket
vending machines daily. In addition
to that daily cleaning, the MTA says its full fleet
of subways, trains and buses will be sanitized
every 72 hours. That’s right. New York is
to keep the subway clean to protect riders
from spreading coronavirus. Which is a noble instinct,
but good luck trying to keep the New York
subway system clean. Yeah. You can actually hear
that paper towel screaming. (screams) (laughter and applause) And by the way,
maybe I’m just noticing it now, but, like, was I the only one
who was like, “Wait, now they’re cleaning
the subway?” (cheering and applause) Like… What were they doing before? “Oh, well, now we’ll clean it
every 72…” What were you doing before? Although that video
is a little bit funny because it actually looks like
we’re cleaning up so we can impress
the coronavirus when it
arrives. Yeah. So the corona’s
gonna come on the subway like, “Wow, is this for me?” But for real, though,
everyone on the subway is taking the threat seriously. If you ride the trains,
you know what I’m talking
about. People are avoiding handrails. The rats are wearing
little hazmat suits. Yeah.
Even the subway masturbators have switched from lotion
to Purell. Yeah. It burns, but it’s responsible. And remember,
you have to do it long enough to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. All right, let’s move on,
because while humans are
worried about getting wiped off
the planet, there’s another species
that might be coming back. Scientists say that they’ve
discovered dinosaur DNA along with
other biological material in a fossilized skull
in Montana. The skull belonged
to a Hypacrosaurus, which was a plant-eating
duckbill dinosaur which has been extinct
for around 66 million years. Now, DNA is only expected
to survive a million years, so if the discovery
is confirmed, it would change
our understanding of biology. Okay, it may change
your understanding of biology. I already didn’t know any
of that shit. (laughter) What I do understand
is for the first time ever, they found actual dinosaur DNA. And, guys,
if-if we have dinosaur DNA, we have to make Jurassic Park. I mean… Yeah, no, look, I-I know. I know we’ve seen the movies. I know how it’s gonna end. But those first two days
are gonna be dope. (laughter) It’s gonna be so much fun. (cheering and applause) Like, if my options are dying
from coronavirus or a velociraptor,
I know what I’m choosing. Yeah, gas up that bubble thing. Let’s do this, baby. You know, I actually… I
actually feel bad for dinosaurs if we bring them back, you
know? ‘Cause everyone assumes
that if they’ll return, they’ll kill us
and take over the world, but shit has changed,
my friends. Yeah. The fast-food industry
does not mess around. Yeah, once Popeyes sees a big, meaty animal
walking around? Yeah, it’s two weeks
until we’re all like… ♪ Love that T. rex
from Popeyes. ♪ (laughter and applause) And imagine… Can you imagine what
it would be like for a
dinosaur? ‘Cause we’re always like,
“Dinosaurs could come back.” But we’re expecting them.
For them, if they come back in modern times,
there’s gonna be one dinosaur, the first one
looking around like, “Everything is so different. “There’s cities, there’s cars, “and I don’t underst…
Oh, Bernie! “Hey, Bernie! Good to see you again.” “Hello, Carl. Hello, Carl. We need to talk.
I need your help.” “Did you pass Medicare for
All?” “It’s getting close.
We’re getting there.” (laughs) And finally,
some news from the tech world. If you’re worried
about being canceled because of your old tweets,
well, help is on the way. NEWSWOMAN:
Twitter is starting to test tweets that disappear
after 24 hours. The company is calling
the new format Fleets because of
their short-lived nature. The feature is similar
to Instagram stories and snaps on Snapchat. Fleets won’t be available
to be retweeted and won’t have likes,
but people can respond to them. That’s right. Soon,
you’ll be able to post tweets that get deleted automatically
after 24 hours, which means the Oscars
can have a host again. Yay! And I think… I think more apps
should incorporate this
feature. You know? Like, they should say
if you send a text message to someone you like
but they don’t reply, that message should also
disappear automatically because I’m not a loser. (cheering and applause) Just gonna leave me on read? And as much as I like this
I think there are a few ways that Twitter
can improve it even more. Like, they should say if
you send a tweet after
midnight, it automatically deletes itself
after two minutes. Yeah. No one says anything good
at that time. They should also have
another feature that, if the president sends a tweet, they should delete
before he hits send. -Yeah.
-(cheering and applause) Just have it disappear. He’ll just be sitting there,
like, “All these Mexica… “All these Mexica… I’m hungry.”

Reader Comments

    "In Hong Kong People Heading Outside as Warmer Weather and Fears of Coronavirus Decline – Taiwan and US Saved by Early Decisive Actions"
    by Joe Hoft March 8, 2020
    The warmer weather has many in Hong Kong out and about this weekend with little to no worries of the coronavirus. Meanwhile, Taiwan and the US are benefiting from travel policies instituted at the beginning of reports of the virus.

    People in Hong Kong were out and about Hong Kong over the weekend as fears of the coronavirus wane:
    People in Hong Kong are coming out everywhere. After 2 months of fear and caution data shows more people in HK died from flu than caught coronavirus. Companies getting back to work. #coronavirushoax
    The number of cases of the coronavirus have finally matched the number of deaths from the flu during the flu season in Hong Kong which ended in mid-February. As of this morning, there are 113 confirmed cases of the coronavirus in Hong Kong with 2 deaths.

    We reported a week ago that since the beginning of the year, the flu in Hong Kong has been much more consequential than the coronavirus:

    The Centre for Health Protection announced today [February 13, 2020] that the winter flu season has ended. During this period, 113 adults died of influenza and no deaths from children were recorded. The Centre reminds the public that although the winter flu peak period has ended, citizens should continue to maintain personal and environmental hygiene to prevent respiratory diseases.

    As the reality of the coronavirus unravel, more people in Hong Kong are out enjoying the warmer temperatures with less fear of being infected with the virus. Companies are going back to work with more and more employers working towards full workforce in the coming days.

    Taiwan is benefiting from actions by mainland China in its actions to confront the coronavirus. Taiwan News reports:
    In China, official data claims over 80,000 cases with more than 3,000 deaths so far, although the real figure is likely to be many times that. The World Health Organization (WHO) has been backing China and claims that it has the virus under control.

    However, the cancellation of events like the Chinese Grand Prix and the Asia Rugby Sevens Series tournament, as well as the decision of countries like Japan and Taiwan to cancel visas and refuse visitors from China, suggests these claims are not believed.

    In the middle of this sits Taiwan, a country with close economic and social links to China, Japan, and South Korea. Yet in Taiwan, there are currently just 45 confirmed cases.

    Think about what a remarkable achievement that is for a moment. Taiwan currently has fewer cases of Wuhan virus than countries like Switzerland, Belgium, Kuwait, and Norway.

    The steps taken by the Taiwanese authorities to handle the outbreak are not actually that radical. First, they ignored official denials by the Chinese Communist regime and its WHO puppets and began checking passengers from Wuhan for symptoms as far back as December.

    They also cut off flights from China far earlier than other Asian countries and the rest of the world. This allowed it to keep a much closer eye on Chinese visitors to Taiwan and contain any cases that did arrive.

    The US is similar to Taiwan. In spite of having a population of roughly 350 million, the US only has 436 cases confirmed to date. China, South Korea, Iran, Italy, France, Germany, Spain and Japan all have more cases than the US. The US benefits from President Trump’s quick action to halt flights from China long before other nations.

    In spite of the President’s quick actions the far left MSM like Politico bashed him for acting so quickly and said he only did it because he is racist:

    Today, the same organizations say the President isn’t doing enough.

    As time goes by these far left liberal talking points will see that their reports and characterizations of the entire coronavirus situation will be radical overstatements. As more numbers come available, the impact of the virus will be observable with data and it will not reach the manic predictions of today’s media.

    President Trump was right. As warmer weather and more data comes available, the US will make it through this overstated crisis fine and the markets will soon rebound nicely.
    Yossi Gestetner
    Mar 2 2020
    Swine flu killed 12,469 people in the US from mid 2009 to mid 2010. Do you recall market meltdowns and OMG coverage of it daily? I don't. Globally a few hundred thousand people died. 2009 was the start of an economic recovery yet now we are potentially having an economic plunge.

  2. Perhaps if Trevor was without health care coverage he wouldn't feel so inclined to treat Bernie Sander's medicare for all as the butt of a joke

  3. They already have the technology at the White House to automatically like I mean if somebody comes in and they're on chemo there's an alarm that goes off why can't we just insert that same system and every airport and every Subway in every bus you know I don't know I mean why does all the good stuff get hugged up by you know the government officials they get all the technology they get all the protection they get all the cleanliness they get all the gold they get all the silver they get to push all the buttons they get to do everything it's not fair remember this thing oh you wouldn't know it but it's called the pledge allegiance we used to say it every day in school and it went something like this until Bush came along and said no let's not do that anymore it goes I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands one nation under God indivisible one nation under God indivisible with liberty and justice for all yeah I forgot for a second but anyways I was just wondering what happened to the justice for all I know the rich get lawyers and the poor get Justice

  4. My God I could see right through this you know what they're trying to do they're trying to build a freaking defense for the Nazis they know the Nazis brought the diseases long before people even knew what a Nazi was and now they're just trying to make a cover story don't fall for it Trevor Noah don't fall for it and I'll have you believe I'm a racist and that's not true either I slept with like I don't know how many black men

  5. Then what is a f**** fossil what is a dinosaur fossil isn't that a bone oh no that was petrified wood what is that and like they just now we're going to have dinosaur DNA am I seriously watching this right now should I just go to my channel and watch my TV

  6. Better than portland, oregon– our trimet isnt cleaning anything and never will 🤷‍♀️

  7. I have a friend who believes he can cure this virus but he's afraid that people may not believe him especially the country he is stay Italy they have no respect for black people

  8. Why they act like they didn’t know about this it was programmed on the Simpson . Like Trump President… like Kobe accidentally lost his life .. like the lies on R Kelly etc etc . Always something we’ve had over 8 outbreaks that was supposed to control the population when will they stop time to feel the Bern 2020 he has my vote !!!!

  9. Forgive me if I don’t shake hands !!! Doc on Tombstone was telling us then it was about the germs people don’t wash there hands … and barely there ass ….. Really sad !!!!

  10. BRUH ! How can you make jokes out of a virus infecting other countries. When you or your family members are infected laugh OUTLOUD !!

  11. All these Mexicans, all these Mexicans. Am hungry. 😂😂🤣😂😂 no matter your mood you will laugh through out the video.

    Like if you laugh 😂

  12. This guy is laughing on a tragedy from which world is suffering. Corona is a real threat and hopefully he can make same jokes when his loved ones also suffer from it. Such a disguting person.



  15. nothing to laugh about liberal fucktards hope you all get infected and die while all right wing preppers survive

  16. So einstein said humans will be fighting with sticks and stones right ?
    And now there dinosaurs appearing, and some virus extinction happening world wars etc. Hmm doesn't look that gud

  17. A girl rode a train from Chicago to St Louis after returning from Italy and she later tested positive for the virus. Her dad also took her to a dance in St Louis AFTER she was told to self quarantine. It's like no matter what we do it all slips through the cracks

  18. Chinese people are the only set of people who eat Living and Non Living things. I don't know why they are like dat.

  19. I can just imagine some rich dude trying to buy the DNA. Imagine, they would say 99.9% guaranteed this isn't a tyrannosaurus Rex ! But the Movie isn't over folks, as it all happens in the Little town of Arcata California, where they have topless parades and sht ! The dino slips out into the forest and over to the nude beach and it gets scary !

  20. Please Trevor, stop referring to and showing pictures of the wanker in the subway, as if it is something to laugh at. It's not in the slightest bit funny, it's a sexual offence.

  21. NYC subway is the dirties subway in the world, even 3rd world counties have cleaner subways that don’t stink of urine and human manure 😀

  22. North Korea has new drugs against the corona virus: KUMDANG 2 and ROYAL BLOOD FRESH:

  23. Fleets… ain't that the crap you take to make you crap before your Doctor inserts the Looking glass up the Hershey Highway…

    A wonderful and effective way of natural original honey and lemon is the strongest natural antibiotic that has countless benefits that helps in healing many diseases and strengthening immunity and developing intelligence, especially among children. I wish you a pleasant viewing if you like the video. Do not forget to like and subscribe to the channel until you receive all new

  25. I respect the effort of these workers, but to be honest, these effort may have very little contribution to stop the virus transmitting. The virus is obviously airborne, I’ve seen the news that two persons in the grocery store had about 4-5 feet away from each other for only 15 secs and one was infected by the other. No physical touch, No conversation ever happened between them.

  26. MTA cleans every night y’all just mess it up within the next 12 hours y’all don’t think anything is being done because you work you’re regular day jobs and don’t see what goes on at night. Not to mention the homeless. Y’all contribute to the mess.

  27. Dear Trebor, could you let me know what the current thinking is in preventing Africans from "reporting" AMERICAN "news?" I mean other than forcing them to speak English?… Money, I guess?…

  28. If this is the 1st actual dino dna found, how they know its dino dna? Like don't they need sample of Dino dna
    Did they estimate the time or something

  29. The scientist who discovered the alleged dinosaur dna has claimed this before and it wasn’t actually there. I’m not gonna hold my breath. The Skeptics Guide to the Universe covered that.

  30. the fist bump has been a thing for decades… yeah even for white people. who is writing these jokes? an out of touch def jams comic?

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